In memory

In the year 2000, I lost two people that were important to me, January my paternal grand father, and my wife in September. So September is the hard month for me and maybe the rest of the family too.

At the moment I feel well balanced, maybe because I am letting it out like this, and I do not have to put a brave face on for a partner as if it was not that important anymore.

The kids lost a mum a week after one of the boys' birthday and an old friends surprise 40th birthday party.

And a year later there was the Twin Tower loss.

Another year and a bit later, the triple loss of losing a special carer Bev, my mother-in-law, her sister too, funny old Dot, and my paternal grand mother on top of it all later on that year.

Back then I was on some medication to pull through the deep sadness of my situation, not anxiety or depression. It clouded emotional judgments, and let me drift for a few years, and it does seem a bit dreamy now. My own car accident made me pull in my head, but that was still in dream time too.

There have been other emotional times too, from the anticipated loss of a young niece which was so far away it was hard to be a part of that loss, to a relationship breakup that dragged on too long. That was difficult, but my niece's family were on the other side of the ocean, there was no hugs of condolences and re-assurances that things would be alright like I had had a few years before.

But I was shocked at the Twin Towers, I expected a new world war to erupt like Mt St. Helens, spoiling my view and my kids view that life was not that bad, was it? Life had already changed, and would be changed again.

So in short, enjoy the memories of a good life, life changes, life continues, life is still good. Just have to adapt,  realise what you have changes, enjoy the changes, cope with the difficulties, overcome the obstacles that life chucks at ya one way or another.

I really don't like the cliche of life changes after you have kids, but it does. Like gravity and taxes I suppose.

I miss my wife in the sense of what the kids will never have that person to smile at them and be proud of them.

My own loss is that she is just not there to be with in good times and bad, and knowing now that at times way back when, I was a complete a-hole, and did not know that, and I am so ashamed of that now. That's why I will stay single, fathering on the best I can.

On the plus side, I still have a very supportive in-law or two, the best siblings and folks.  A great extended family. A new member could be, shockingly enough, a twin of Tarn! Maybe that is what my brother saw in his new partner?

Life is just weird.